Sunday, August 17, 2008

For those who are depressed

There is nothing I can say, nothing.
I just want to say that I've been there while tapering Effexor or as side effect of this or another antidepressant.
If I remember correctly nothing seems real. You look outside the window and you hardly see. You don't connect, even your self don't seem to be real, only a deep pain, for no reason and perhaps that's why every big or tiny little bad thing that has happened to you is in your mind, or you blame yourself for silly things; there are no colors, sounds hurt, sleeping is a relief; fear in all its faces is around you, food has no taste, useless to try to explain all that a depressed person feel.
It only hurts, hurts and hurts.
Why do this, or that? That 15 minutes of relief has no meaning for it will go away and only bad, terrible and awful feelings - mind and body - will come back again taking away all the energy and any room for self-esteem; enjoying any activity,...
I don't even know why I'm writing it.
Just because today I'm feeling fine and I know that some of my blog friends are feeling depressed.
I've remembered those days and I just want to say that, miraculously, I don't feel it for a long time.
I just feel sad and sometimes sorrow and even have terrible hard times but not depression.
Hang in there!
I wish I had something to say but I know it's useless.
I want to say: I care.


Anonymous said...

Not sure how I ended up here.

I have major depression since I was 15 (it's been twelve years now). Tried every category of antidepressant, sometimes every single one in the same category, with almost no success.

Recently, something bizarre happenned... My new psychiatrist prescribed me TMS, and as I returned to see him feeling even worst he got *pissed off* (yeah, he got pissed off at me because I, severe major depression for over a decade, was crying helplessly) and sent me directly to ECT. Even after I told him I would not do ECT, that I'd rather keep on TMS until we had a more conclusive outcome (he said there could not be any good done with only two sessions), he just ignored me and told my husband to talk to my family to get consent for the treatment. I freaked out.

He is a well known researcher but when I told him my symptoms, he actually laughed at me, in front of my husband, and made fun of what I was feeling, saying he never heard in 'all history of psychiatry' such awkward symptoms and that he could not help me with that, I would need a psychologist and better go to ECT, since I didnt believe in TMS and for some reason for which, seemlingly, I am the only one to blame, no antidepressant, nor antipsychotics, nor anticonvulsivants, nor all of them altogether did me no good. I was sentenced to ECT against my own will and I will never forget that. Luckly, my husband is already convinced we will never do ECT.

However, after being discredited by a Phd in front of my husband, I feel like he, my beloved one and main support, obviously doubts all my symptoms. I know he loves me, but he wont take me seriously, at least not on that manner, that's for sure. He would never do me any harm, but I just wanted him to know that all this is real, it is not just something my mind made up to backup a shameful seek attention behavior. I suffer. I am in pain. I am exhausted. Cant take it anymore.

Meanwhile, knowing that this so 'qualified' psychiatrist was mad at me for being such a 'bad, bad girl' scared the hell out of my father, which 'convinced' me to call him back and, in a nice and very polite manner, say I was sorry and beg him to not refuse to treat me. He was, then, very pleased with my 'improvement' and increased my MAOI dosage. And, of course, last thing he heard from me was that I was feeling *great*. For sure, I dont want to be sentenced to shock treatment again...

I've been through a lot because of my mental illness. But never thought I'd fear my own doctor.

Now, I am doing a research on my own, trying to earn back my husband's confidence so he'll help me decide, because I want to quit with my medication. It wont be easy, I tried it a few months ago and it was excruciating, this psychiatrist suspended most of my medication really abruptly and I could not deal with the withdrawl symptoms (which I was not aware were really really withdrawl symptoms, but my illness coming back, what meant, of course, that I do need those medications), so I had to get back on the meds. I know it wont be easy, but I want to know if it is POSSIBLE.

It is nice to read your last statement: there is nothing you can say, except that you care. Thank you for those lines of support.

Ana said...

I'm not a physician and I never had major depression.
I just can tell you that you must take control of your treatment and you're doing good searching for information.
Perhaps you should try a psychiatrist that you could rely on.
There are plenty information on the WWW. Go to Furious Seasons (there's a link on my bloglist where you can find this and other people) and you will find a good discussion on what is going on.
Try to get your husband involved in your search or show him what you find.
Peter Bregguin is a Psychiatrist and has a lot of information on his site.
I wish you all the luck and I truly hope you are able to decide what is the best for you. Therapy if well done is of great help.
Yours truly,

Ana said...

PS If you keep on searching you will discover that you're not alone and many people have the same problem with physicians and family.

Ana said...

I meant:
Peter Breggin