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Wednesday, March 04, 2009

One of my suicide attempts while getting off of Effexor - repost

Drug-induced suicide ideation should be explained by those who are in charge of taking care of heath. However little is said about this fact that has been experienced by many people. I'm reposting it because some people can doubt that what they are feeling is really drug-induced.
There is a huge difference between wanting to die and just the act of killing oneself that is planted in the mind when we are dealing with drug-induced suicidal ideation. Trust your instincts and, please, search for help if you feel you are suicidal.

"One of the strange feelings when someone or something do you harm is the mixture of feelings you have towards yourself. You feel as if it was your fault and you feel ashamed to tell others what has happened. Of course there is anger towards what did you harm but it's usual that people don't tell others about it.
We remain silent and hoping that someone else suffers the same and have the guts to tell others.
I said that I had suicidal ideation while tapering Effexor. What I didn't say is that I've tried to kill myself twice. I thought about it on a wide scale of degrees. Four times it was very hard to cope with it and for two times I've tried.
I'll tell you about one of these times.
I was in a normal day, tapering Effexor. All of a sudden, an idea was planted in my brain: "-I have to kill myself." Just like that. Unexpectedly, no reason for it, I was happy and then this idea appeared.
You don't think about anything else. You only think that you have to kill yourself. I wrote some notes for four people, and was thinking at the back of my mind: "-This is withdrawal, this is withdrawal, this is withdrawal…; call your therapist, call a friend, do something!"
Strangely enough you don't call anybody. You do not care. All you have to do is… kill yourself.
I have a dog. So I could not do anything at home for I could not harm her or make something that could kill her, like gas - my second attempt was with gas -, and you keep on wandering how are you going to do it without making any fuss and avoiding the scandal of being found dead in your place. Good, at least there's room to think about a dignified exit!
I had many samples of psychiatric drugs, drugs that I tried, and, at the forth pill had to stop… I had an arsenal of psychiatric drugs of many kinds.
Therefore, I took them all and put them in two bottles of Depakote - by that time it was sold in bottles not in blister. "-It's withdrawal, it's withdrawal, it's withdrawal… do something; call someone; call your therapist, please!" "-Nope! I have to kill myself."
I've phoned a hotel and ask for a bedroom. I've dressed myself with care and took a big bag pretending to be coming from a near town. I have put some clothes in this bag and a bottle of Jack Daniels to have the pills, Rohypnol was in the cocktail which is very helpful and was once used by the site Exit . They used to sell a packed for those who wanted to do euthanasia and I've discovered that one of the three items was Rohypnol. They are back now but with another proposal.
"-It's withdrawal, it's withdrawal, it's withdrawal… do something; call someone; call your therapist, please!" "-Nope! I have to kill myself."
It was 9 pm. I went away from my building, took a cab, and told the driver to go to the hotel. He left me there.
When I was in front of the hotel, I felt thirsty and did not want to appear as if I was out of my mind. I went to a place and asked for a bottle of water.
I thought that the man could not hear me. By miracle, he gave me the bottle of water. I took it and, miracle, I've paid for this and he smiled at me. He smiled at me!
So people could see me! "-It's withdrawal, it's withdrawal, it's withdrawal… do something; call someone; call your therapist, please…
Isn't it good!
I'm alive! I started walking. I've walked, walked, walked, and started to sweat.
Nice feeling! I was sweating and feeling all my body, my legs, my arms, my head, my hands, my toes…
"-It's withdrawal, it's withdrawal, it's withdrawal…"
What am I doing here? Why will I kill myself? I don't want to kill myself.
My dog is home! She must be feeling sad. I have to go back home to see her and call my friends and family."

"I want to thank Charles Medawar, SocialAudit. There was a man on his site whose nick was "Anon". He helped everybody and one of the things I've remembered was he saying that we should never become a statistics and if we killed ourselves "they" were winning another time.
He said other valuable things that was on my mind beside the "-It's withdrawal..."
Fortunately I don't remember anymore and I'm glad to be able to talk about it without crying and now I am feeling that it's in the past.
The only thing I fear is that even spending 19 months tapering Efexor when I reached the end of the process I felt so bad that I had to go back to the drug.
I'll talk about it later.
If I miss I pill I have nightmares. I fear missing the amount of dose and feel it again.
You can see that it's very easy to kill me if someone has the intention.
I also lost my freedom because I cannot make a trip or go anywhere without Effexor in my purse."

19 comments:

Anonymous Drifter said...

My husband had thoughts of suicide while taking a drug to quit smoking. It was the first time he ever experienced this and he said it truly scared him. Needless to say, he stopped taking the drug.

Ana said...

Champix!
It is a terrible drug that induces suicide-ideation and also can lead to mania people who are not bipolar.
Sad.

Jena said...

What a compelling post. Thank you for sharing your experience. I think a lot of people could relate in some way (or know someone who can) and can learn something from your story. You are right in saying that having suicidal thoughts and actively having the will to kill yourself are two different things. It is a serious big deal- especially because if our neurotransmitters are a bit wonky, we are tricked into believing our thoughts that aren't even what we might normally think. What seems rational at that point might have never been rational before. It is SO important to seek help. Even if it's telling a friend to come and be with you pronto. I appreciated this post. Thanks.

Thank you also for visiting my blog again and for your comment! It's nice to have you around :)

Ana said...

Thank you Jena. You are very sweet!
What stroke me the most is that I didn't search for help even knowing that it was withdrawal.
This is the advice I would like to share because it can explain why some parent fins their children already dead even knowing that that their kid is getting out of a SSRI and is exposed to this.
It's a very strange thing and only people who has experience it can understand how powerful the symptom is.
People withdrawing should be under strict surveillance because this thing appear when you least expect.
It's too hot here!
I'll have a shower.
Love, love and love,
Ana

Marj aka Thriver said...

Well, I sure am glad you are alive! Efexor is one of the nastiest ones, in my opinion. It made me really dizzy coming off of it.

Ana said...

Yes, it is really hell.
Side effects are terrible, withdrawal symptoms are terrible.
It still on the market!

Ruby Tuesday said...

Hi Ana,
I'm in the process of coming off this drug and it's been a nightmare! Last week I was sent home from work because I could not stop crying. It was terrifying because I felt so unsafe. I agree that there should be more information on this.

take care

Ana said...

You must go very slowly.
Take a look at this list of withdrawal symptoms:
http://justana-justana.blogspot.com/2009/01/ssri-list-of-58-withdrawal-symptoms.html

Visit the site The Effexor Activists that is on my blog list.
Take good care!
I hope you succeed!
Ana

susan said...

glad you are ok. I look forward to reading you every day Ana.

Ana said...

Susan,
All I want is you to be fine.
Missing you so much!
Yours truly,
Ana

Ajlouny said...

Problem is that a doctor prescribes something and it's taken to heart that it's the right thing for you. It's important to do your research on some of the drugs that they just pass out like candy. I would, because I will be placing them in my body on a daily basis. Who knows what the long term effect is.

Ana said...

The problem is that when you first search for it you will only find the sites made by the laboratories that claim the drugs are wonderful, have few side effects and are not addictive.
It's when you start having suspicious that you learn how to search correctly.
Keep searching!
Thank you.
Ana

Mike Golch said...

Ana,Thank you for sending this to me to read. Atfter I red it I came to comment.

Ana said...

Thank you for reading Mike.

MamaC said...

Hi Ana, I just found your blog. Are you still here?

Ana said...

Yes, not daily anymore but always here.
:)
I'll visit your blog.

Anonymous said...

Love <3

Anonymous said...

I was suicidal while taking Effexor, for the first time in my life. I mean, we've all been fed up and wanted to end whatever is hurting us, but not like that. I really and truly wanted to die. Needed to. It was going to happen. My daughter and my religious beliefs are the only two things that saved me. At the time, I wasn't even aware that it was the Effexor making me feel that way. I forgot a dose a few days after my almost suicide attempt, and in the clarity of no Effexor, I realized what it was. I don't recommend it, but I went cold turkey. My withdrawal lasted for a good 2-3 weeks, but now it's gone. At 6 weeks out, I am happier and healthier than I've been in years. If I could go back, i would go cold turkey, a million percent. In my opinion, it was better than a protracted withdrawal. Now I have no need or desire to go back on the meds, but if I were suffering for weeks and weeks and weeks, who's to say I wouldnt have started back.

Anonymous said...

I already feel like I'm dying! The pain in my head is unbearable! I was on effexor 150xr for over a year... Coming out of a marriage that was nothing but abuse... I ran out and don't have insurance. I feel like dying!