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Saturday, January 10, 2009

Talking to myself

My mind is asking those questions that have no answer and must be avoided but I cannot stop it. These are some of the things that are coming to me:
-Why don't you do something?
I don't know what to do.
-You never knew what to do but you kept going.
I cannot stop remembering all side effects I felt and withdrawal, all this horror story seems to have destroyed me in a way that I'm not sure of myself like I was before taking these drugs.
-Will you spend the rest of your life feeling sorry for yourself?
I don't know. I'm the same but another person at the same time. My values, my dignity all I stand for are the same. But it seems I have lost my dreams. I feel adrift.
-Don't full yourself. You were born adrift. Don't you remember?
Yes, I remember but this part I've worked on psychoanalysis and it doesn't affect me as it did. Now I'm feeling sad because I don't know how these drugs are affecting my mind and I feel that they are in some way. I was feeling angry, very angry now it's just sadness and this future I can't see and scares me and this present that is being hard.
Things that I like the most lost its way and I don't know how to connect with them again and circumstances are so difficult.
-Get a life!
That's the problem.

7 comments:

Radagast said...

Yes, questions! I could write a PhD on the structuring of questions, even if I do say so, myself! Not that anybody would grasp the significance of it, nor understand, even if they wanted to.

When you start asking questions of yourself, then you need to be clear where you're heading: always set an objective, first. With that in mind, and before you ask yourself any other questions, you need to answer the first one, definitively, otherwise you're dealing with too many possibilities. In which case, "why don't you do something about what, exactly?"

The answer to your second question is "no, of that I'm reasonably confident." But beyond that I'm not willing to commit myself. I visualize ideas as tangible, physical things, Ana, which makes rearranging them into a shape that pleases me that much more straight forward. For me, it's "normal"!

Matt

Ana said...

Yes!
I can see now! Also the "but" game. Now that I'm reading with your "guidance" I can see that all the answers have the "but" leading to another impossibility saying that "I'm not willing to commit myself".
You're right about answering the first one.
I can understand a little when you say "visualize ideas as tangible, physical things".
This is hard for me specially dealing with my own feelings and problems.
I'm glad I wrote it.
I guess you've helped me finding something here.

susan said...

Sweet Ana,

There is nothing wrong with talking to yourself.

It's when your self responds... that's when you worry.

(((((((ANA)))))))))

Anonymous Drifter said...

It's sad when you've lost your dreams. I'm in the process of trying to create more ... I've lost many along the way.

Ana said...

Thank you Susan.

Anonymous Drifter,
Yes, it's sad and I confess a little scary.
You're right trying to create others.
That's what I'm trying to do.

Radagast said...

I think it's reasonably widely accepted that it's better to seek to move towards something, than away from something. The reason being, that if one doesn't have a clear goal, one will end up looping back to the thing that one was trying to escape.

As such, when one is looking for solutions, whether the problem be academic or practical, it is often a good idea, I find, to understand what it is that I'm seeking to achieve - as such, if I'm in a shitty mood, for example, rather than think, "I don't want to be in a shitty mood," I think "I want to be in a relaxed mood; what would I be doing, if I were in a relaxed frame of mind?" The answer quite often presents itself quite promptly, thereafter.

This sort of problem-solving, directed-thinking stuff is pretty much "old hat," of course: Edward de Bono's been bleating on about this stuff, for years - his ideas even get used in the UK's secondary education system! It's also similar to the methodology that NLP might use, of course.

De Bono recommends the "six hats," whereby one looks at practical problems from six different, specific perspectives, for the purpose of achieving a more complete solution. Clever stuff, I guess.

Matt

Ana said...

I guess I need to focus on myself and try hard to look at practical things.
I never been good with this.

"The reason being, that if one doesn't have a clear goal, one will end up looping back to the thing that one was trying to escape."

Exactly.