Sunday, November 16, 2008

Psychiatry is an accident in some people's life

I've stopped posting for the last days. My problem is: I'm tired.
First I've started not visiting my blog buddies because I was feeling very sad. I kept on posting some data and kept on commenting just when I thought it was necessary to discuss pharmaceutical and treatments and diagnosis issues.
I got angry and sad.
I know it's hard to raise awareness on all of this. But sometimes it's overwhelmingly hard at least for me.
Sometimes, for no reason, I feel like crying and I've noticed I've been too stressed and angry, sad, angry...
One of the things that strikes me the most is that everything is out in the open. There's enough data, nevertheless, we have to keep on repeating over and over again the same and when we think we have already said enough its necessary not only start it again but another information of an off-label use of a drug that makes no sense or another strange news that only shows that it's getting far out of control.
It seems we are the only to care. It's amazing that psychiatrists don't say a word about their views on their clinical experience and when some of them express themselves is to claim that they never heard about it and according to their clinical experience this has never happened...
I have to find a way to keep on it without being too passionate.

I wrote it three or four days ago but I didn't publish it. Now I'm sad because when I look at my life I see the story of 15 years coping with side effects and withdrawals. That's it. That's all.
All I needed was someone to take all the drugs but side effects were seen as diseases and it's amazing that we believe even though deep inside we have a suspicion that something is not right.
I've been crying and feeling sorry for these years that went away and I can't even remember well what has happened or what drug was I withdrawing or starting to take.
I wish I could say: "-I've been depressed, took some pills that helped me and now I'm fine."
This would be easier to explain, It would make some sense and everybody would be happy.
I find myself having to hide it all because nobody will understand what has really happened.
I'm under psychiatric care - I have to go get the prescriptions for the drugs I've tried to withdraw but I couldn't - so, I'm a .............. . - what? fill the blanks.
Now what?
I don't know.
I go out and pretend everything is fine and I even start believing it's fine.
But sometimes it rains.
It's sunny today, but it's raining inside.
I thank I've found you all to share all of this because it's a very lonely and important part of me. Unfortunately some people only see this part of you.


Mark p.s./Mark p.s.2 said...

If you feel like crying ,I think you should. Only if you can not stop, which can happen, is it bad to cry. But I have to believe crying is normal natural, healthy and will stop in time. I think its good for your brain to cry ocasionally.
Continual crying will stop if one goes outside, for the view of nature or to walk a pet. or has a hobby or concern for someone or something else.
I grieved/cried when I had to realized I would not have children, as my age, mental health, experience and current and future financial status as poor.
That did not just take a minute to get over.

Ana said...

Thank you Mark.
I don't mind crying. I don't like when it's the expression of a certain kind of hopeless feeling.
You know, when sometimes we have that foolish idea that everybody is happy... something like this.
I didn't have children but I never wanted to.
So it's not a problem for me.
But I understand you. I have things I haven't done or didn't happen to me that I grieve.
Like everybody...
Some people regret they had children.
Stay at peace.

preciousrock said...

Oh Ana, I completely understand. Sounds like you and I are in a similar place -- mourning a lost past, sad and depressed at present, and pessimistic about the future. All due to the world inside our brains and drugs that we can't live with and can't live without. It gets so tiresome and frustrating, I know. Hang in there girl. We all love ya. xo PR

Ana said...

Thank you PreciousRock. Many people are in this place.